Anshu Bahanda: What happens when the children we once guided, protected, and planned for, looked after suddenly do not need us in the same way anymore? For many parents, the hardest part of love is learning how to let go, not because the love fades, but because it changes shape. As our children grow into adults and start making their own choices, we often find ourselves caught between pride and worry, connection and control. Research shows this moment is not just emotional, it is biological too. A study published in The Journal of Marriage and Family found that parents often experience a measurable drop in life satisfaction and sense of purpose when children become independent, especially when parenting has been a central identity.
How can we release control without losing our sense of purpose or identity as parents? And what does it mean to hold love when our adult children choose paths we might not understand? This is Anshu Bahanda, and today on Wellness Curated, we are talking about When Children Grow Up: Redefining the Parent-Child Relationship. Here we will be exploring how to navigate this powerful life transition, learning to let go of what we cannot control while holding on to what truly matters: love, respect, and connection and trust.
Welcome back to The Wellness Algorithm, we explore the ideas and inner shifts that help us navigate life with clarity and compassion. Wellness is not fixed, it grows and it changes with us, like I have said again and again, and it asks us to adapt as time passes. Parenting is one of the clearest examples of this evolution. As children grow into adults, the parent-child relationship must change too. But how do we recognise when that shift needs to happen, and what does that change actually ask of us? What once required guidance and protection now seems to call for trust, space, and mutual respect. So how do parents learn to make that transition in real time?
To help us explore this tender balance, I am joined by Dr Darya Haitoglou, a psychologist, author, family therapist. She is well- known worldwide for her work in relationships and emotional intelligence. She has three masters’ degrees; she has one PhD. Her approach blends science, empathy and communication, and she helps people find clarity in life’s most complex transitions. Before we begin, a small request: please subscribe to the podcast. It’s free, and it supports our mission to bring you meaningful, well-researched and science-based conversations. And if today’s episode resonates, share it with someone who might need this information. Thank you. Welcome to the chat, Dr Darya, and thank you for joining us today.
Darya Haitoglou: Thank you, Anshu. It’s a pleasure to be here.
AB: I’m so delighted we managed to make this work because this is such an important topic. So the first thing I want you to tell me, from all the clinical sessions you’ve done, what is it that you see, what is the tension that you mostly see between children and parents as the children grow up?
DH: Well, as the children grow up, most tension I see on the side of parents is that they are not prepared to lose their role as a parent because it’s almost like a crisis of identity. I once worked with a mother who said to me, you know my house is finally quiet and yet I’ve never felt louder inside. And that’s a typical situation when children grow up and they leave. And that for a parent, the nervous system needs to reorganize itself because it’s kind of a shock. For 20, 25 years the parents have learned how to manage children, how to control, how to organize, and suddenly they, that role gets dissolved. So, yeah, that’s probably what parents are prepared for is independence. But they’re not prepared to lose that role of being a parent. And that’s where the tension comes from.
AB: So tell me, that causes tension. But do you find that very often the parents feel, and I’ve been through this, right, I have two adult children. Do you find that they feel feelings of loss or grief even when the children are thriving?
DH: Yes, both actually. Grief and loss are very common feelings. And it’s about that sense of transition. You know, some of the most interesting research findings we know from the studies that look at parents, children relationship when children grow up is that the first child who leaves home often, you know, hits parents harder because it’s so called empty, first empty nest syndrome. It’s like the first child is much harder to experience leaving home rather than a full empty nest. And we don’t know how to prepare parents to leave on their own because it’s like losing a job or retiring from, you know, serving 25 years in a company. Now what do I do as a parent if I had my identity all around parenting. I feel that grief, I feel that loss. But it’s, like you know, the metaphor watching the tide go out. The sea is still there, but the shoreline has changed. So how do we know how to navigate the sea?
AB: So Darya, there’s something interesting you said here, which was what I was thinking of when I was preparing for this podcast. You said 25 years. Now I want you to define for everyone listening, what would you consider an adult child? Would you consider it 21, the legal kind of adult age in a lot of places, or would you consider it to be 25 years when the prefrontal cortex develops?
DH: That’s a really good question. So in developmental psychology, but also from the FMRI scans, we see that the prefrontal cortex gets developed throughout childhood and early adulthood up until the age about 25-years-old. So yes, there are small shifts after 20 years old to 25, but there are some significant changes, especially when it comes to maturation of executive function of the prefrontal cortex and when it comes to decision making, autonomy and conflict resolution. So it’s a very delicate stage, for both parents and children who grow into adulthood. And we see that individually across different cultures. But also there are some differences. Now children start developing much younger, both from an independence and sexuality standpoint. And knowledge is available obviously, so much through gadgets and social media that they can get hold of. But at the same time emotional regulation is lagging behind. So I would say for me it is around 25 years of age when I can definitely say it is a formed adult from the brain perspective, because 20-21 there are still some decisions that are made. But you can also argue that, you know, adults can sometimes behave like children too. So there’s sort of the spectrum, right? It’s very much personal when a child becomes an adult. It’s, it’s a kind of an existential question.
AB: Right. And tell me, Darya, how does the parent child dynamic, you know, how, how do we need to change it when children become adults in today’s society? Can you give some advice to parents? How do they prepare for it?
DH: Well, the relationship must shift from authority to presence. That’s probably the most important. So in childhood, hierarchies is essential. We have a parent role and a child role, sort of a hierarchical relationship. And children need that, external regulation, core regulation, especially emotional. But in adulthood, hierarchy becomes corrosive. I often hear parents say, I’m just trying to help. But research on adult parent-child relationships shows something very clear. You know, unsolicited advice is often experienced as care by parents, but as a mistrust, especially when, while autonomy is developing for a child. So I once worked with a father and he said, well, my daughter doesn’t call me anymore. And he says, look, I feel rejected. I feel there’s something wrong in our relationship. And we started working together with him and his daughter. And when we explored this, she expressed that she stopped feeling free with him. Every time she called him, he would give that advice. Kind of wise advice, but it felt like pressure. So control is a very, yeah, a very interesting one here. So it feels like care for a parent, but suffocation to an adult child.
AB: So how would you advise parents to prepare for this? Because there’s no textbook, right? Or there are lots of different opinions, but it’s not something that you have to learn. You just go home with a baby and then the baby grows up.
DH: That’s right. Yes. There’s no school for parents. We know from our parents of origin, of course we learned from their coping mechanics. Well I guess it’s an art. So the question that I ask myself and I encourage my clients to ask themselves is, what do I need to do for my children to feel safe with me? And practically we look at asking before giving advice. Replacing a sort of monitoring with curiosity. So it’s not anymore “I know what’s best for you”, but it’s offering presence instead of solutions. It’s like I’m here when you need me. Love in adulthood, I look at it as like an open door, not a locked gate. You know, like, oh, you have to be back on time or. And it’s easier said than done. I think we all as children grown big, remember the time when our parents did the best they could, but they also learned from their parents. So now it’s an amazing opportunity for all of us with the wealth of research out there to learn some practical tools. I have a lot, so I’m happy to share.
AB: That’s lovely. I mean the one that I’ve used many times which, you’ve which you just mentioned, was rather than monitoring them, ask out of curiosity. And that always I feel gets them talking. That’s a. But I would love you to share some more tools.
DH: Sure. So a very, very simple one is like healthy involvement is emotionally available and non intrusive. So over involvement is a, is anxiety kind of wearing, you know, a costume of love. We try to peek into our children’s lives. But instead of saying look, I know what’s best for you, it’s like okay, I’m here if you want me. And they feel the difference. You know, support, should feel like a welcoming, you know, you know, think of early childhood is like a metaphor of a greenhouse. You need a certain temperature, you need certain control. But when children grow up, it’s like an open soil. You cannot control the weather, although you really want them to thrive. But you have to trust the roots that sit in the soil, that you’ve done a good enough job up until they’re 7 or 12 years old, that the roots can solidify their growth. And the only thing you can do is pour a little bit of water, like a little bit of love, into that soil and the sun and the empathy, the compassion, you know, the listening, the empathetic listening, the just paraphrasing what you hear instead of going into advice. We often, I often deal with crises, between parents and children or communication issues, conflict resolution. And the first thing I always say, you can create a little forum environment where not in the heat, not in the heat of a moment, but you sit together and you say, okay, let’s just give each other some appreciation, some sunshine. I appreciate this and I appreciate that. And, and we start building that connection from a positive perspective. And then of course, if there is opportunity, if they are open to that, we can talk about other, other elements of communication.
But often the door may be locked. Maybe there have been so much helicopter parenting that children may not want for some time to engage and that’s okay too.
AB: Yeah. And I love your metaphor of the soil and the greenhouse that initially it was the greenhouse. And the way I always say it to my kids is, you know, parenting should feel like a warm hug, not a choke.
DH: Yeah.
AB: You know, you shouldn’t feel like you’re being choked, as an adult child, as you know, as young adults. But tell me Darya, what happens when parents don’t follow this rule? What happens when they carry on the same form of parenting that they did when their children were not adults?
DH: Well, the same form of parenting depends on what kind of parenting. If it’s authoritarian, if it’s permissive, what kind of style of parenting they continue. There are certain consequences to that. There’s also different attachment styles. We can talk disorganized and secure and, and what. Of course what we want in all forms and theories is that parenting becomes more like coaching. It’s asking open-ended questions without criticism or judgment. And especially when children are adults, this becomes less hierarchical or more open space, conversation and invitations more like socrates, dialogue, and invitation of a new adult. It’s a very hard one to, into the, into the dialogue. But without overprotecting or intruding into their independence. Because you see the stage is kind of like a second individuation. First it’s for a child, they become separate from their parents. But also parents must separate from the caregiving role
AB: Right.
DH: To discover who they are. Because if the identity has been, I’ve been a parent and who am I now? That’s a very, very difficult stage for me to go in with. And that’s where the work starts, is letting go of that desire to parent but just become a parent to my own inner child. And easier said than done.
AB: Yes.
DH: But a lot of therapy and I work with a lot of adults whose children become adults because it’s a, it’s a, it’s a good transition to start looking into your inner world. And there’s so much coping mechanisms that we discover from our family of origin and how we can change them moving forward and open the opportunity to a new purpose finding project.
AB: That’s lovely and thank you for saying that because I think it’s so important that we give our adult children independence but at the same time we don’t lose the connection. Because I think, young adults want their independence from their parents, but they crave connection. They don’t want to lose the connection unless there’s too much interference. So can you give parents advice on how they can do both without confusion? Give them independence but still have that connection.
DH: Give them independence but still, get the connection. Well, the first, I guess the most important is to keep that sense of respect. Because once we become both adults, equality is not, it doesn’t mean we are the same. Of course there’s still age difference and experience difference. But how do I show respect to my child in a sense that I trust my child, that they will make the best decision, even if it’s not a decision that I would like them to make. Because that’s how I grew up. That’s my unresolved desires and hopes and wishes that I haven’t fulfilled in my life. And I project them onto my child. So being aware and doing the inner work to not to, to do this kind of projection, that’s already a big thing. And how do I create that sense of intimacy, connection without you know, intrusion is to, yeah, trust that they will make, they will walk their, their life, they will make their mistakes. But their independence and autonomy is much more important at this stage of their development for the relationship. So it’s no expectations, no criticism and judgment, but empathy and listening.
I, also being honest with my own responsibility, like I’ve done the best I could, maybe it was not the best parenting I’ve done, but I still would like to connect with you. And instead of guilt tripping or putting some weight on the child.
AB: Yes.
DH: By kind of shaming them to create intimacy, I would say, look, this is my need because I’m going through this transition. But again, very carefully because when we put that burden of emotional weight that I’m experiencing as a parent to my child, they feel burdened.
AB: Yes.
DH: So it’s an art. That’s why there’s so much coaching and therapy during the stage. And one of them is just to be careful, to trust, to establish that line of trust and become more individual and focus on my purpose because I’m grieving that relationship. I’m not losing a child, but I’m losing that identity of being a parent. It’s not my role anymore. What do I do? Who am I? So focusing my attention onto my own purpose, on partnership with my, with my husband, with my wife, and allowing that child to grow up into adulthood and seeing them as an adult, like almost a peer.
AB: Right. And you said something very important here about guilt-tripping. Because I see this happening so often. You know, I mean I’ve even heard, had people, I’ve heard people say things like, you know, how long do we have to live? And you’re doing this to us. And you know, you see that and you think you’re just putting so much guilt on your child. So the one thing, I’m sure we all at some level guilt-trip our children, but I think our generation needs to be very careful that we don’t guilt, you know, that we’re conscious of the fact that we could be guilting our children.
DH: Yes, I think everybody does that in their lifetime. The difference we see in families when an adult can own, and take responsibility for the mistakes and the misdoings, mis-sayings, something that we say so hurtful to our children and just apologize and take that responsibility. Children can repair faster when parents show their ownership, their honesty about themselves.
AB: Right, right.
DH: Because it’s their journey. They get triggered, they want the best. And of course there’s love. But showing love as control or showing love as guilt-tripping, it’s just a burden for children. So what we want is to first learn tools, and there are some fantastic tools in many schools, in therapy and coaching. And by the way, to find the right therapist is important, but also to find the right therapy is important. Depending on, again, the attachment style and the parenting, style and finding that combination. For some people, gestalt therapy would be better. For some cognitive behavior or dynamic psychotherapy or systemic or individual talking. There’s many different modalities, but finding the right support system where a parent can reconnect with their parts of themselves that they’ve been put aside or they’ve been lost a little bit so that they can regain that congruency, that ability to process things without guilt-tripping, without projecting their own, burdens onto children. That’s the first step.
AB: And also I think it doesn’t happen immediately when a child grows. You know, when a child is an adult, as from the time the child is born, they become more and more autonomous, they start walking on their own, they become less dependent on you, they start eating, they start going to school. So it’s a slow process of letting go. You know, and you said something very intelligent about there’s a lot of helicopter parents. I think if we start slowly letting go as they’re growing up, it’s not that much of a shock to the system. And they also grow up as more confident adults. Tell me what you think about that.
DH: Yes. In, again, developmental psychology, we see different stages of development. So for example, from birth up until the age of seven, it’s a very important age when children need parents. And sometimes that’s when it starts clicking. It’s like, I do it for you. And I learned for seven years. It’s a very long time to do something for a child. It’s part of my habit as a parent, right? When the child becomes 8 or 8 till 11, we call it a stage of “I do it with you” stage.
AB: Right, right.
DH: I participate in processes and really, walk that, walk that journey with you up until a child becomes 12, 12-14, when I step back as a parent, I see how they are developing autonomy and authority from the inside. Because if I’m not careful, if I’m too, helicopter kind of parent, then they start resisting, they start rebelling, they start provoking that. We see a lot of disobedience on the stage. And especially when they’re 15 plus, this is a stage of “I trust you”, I allow you to be a person. You’ve grown. I’ve already put all the seeds in the soil and I just wait, and I water. That’s what I do. I love you and I trust you. You make the right decision and I’m here when you need me. Of course, I still put some healthy boundaries. Still provide resources that make sense and still make decisions for the next decade up until they’re 25. But this is a very interesting decade where we navigate in water. So the open, open, sea. And it depends on the weather, it depends on their peer group, it depends on the micro and macro-level stability or not, depends on the financial situation, on dynamics of parents, dynamics of siblings. There’s so many factors we can go into. So every family is unique, but we also see similarly, different patterns that travel across families.
AB: So, Darya, tell me. In a lot of cultures, very, very supportive, loving cultures, but what happens is the parents build much of their identity around caregiving. Now, how would they redefine themselves when the children no longer rely on them? Can you give them some advice?
DH: That’s a great question. And a lot of women, when they become mothers, and also men in some cultures, when they become fathers, they lose that identity of a working parent. They become more of a parent parent. And, when the parents leave, they start asking that question, so, what am I going to do? Who am I? And, the best thing is this is a great time. It’s like a crossroad. You know which direction I have choices now. Yes. I may have certain resources that I’ve gathered, like management skills. And we play roles of parenting not just parenting, it’s organization. It’s management, it’s leadership. It’s multitasking. It’s super vigilance, which is a skill on its own. How to be very aware of what’s happening in the environment. These skills are very applicable to many professional endeavors, jobs, but also creative tasks. This is an opportunity for a person to look into what their purpose is. Longing, vision. Meaning. It’s existential, but also, a very beautiful piece of work that I call it a purpose quest.
AB: The lovely. I love that.
DH: Yes. So you can go and work on your purpose quest. Make a visual, dream like a map of your life. What? We’re gonna live longer. Okay. With all the advancements of technology.
AB: Absolutely.
DH: I might have another life after my children leave the house. What do I want to do with that life? Who do I want to connect with? What kind of person do I want to become now that I’ve experienced that? What is a community for me? Do I build the community to find the community? What is partnership like for me? What kind of partnership do I want to build now that I have time, resources, I can sleep better, I can look after my body. There’s so many avenues I can look into. What is important to me. What are my values? What do I value now? I’m at a different stage of my life. I might have gone through menopause or perimenopause. If I’m a man, I might have already had my midlife crisis. Or maybe, yeah, I could be inside the midlife crisis. This is a great opportunity to look at. It’s like going to a shop that has changed all the aisles and I don’t know where to find my products that I normally buy. And suddenly I notice many more different products. And I’m thinking, I’ve never noticed this one. Maybe I need it. Maybe I don’t need to buy that one. Maybe this one is better for me now. So that is an invitation. It’s a stage of development for every adult. And we under-look into the stage. We do not teach humans.
AB: Right
DH: How to go through this transition. It’s one of the most difficult and most fulfilling transitions of our life, I think.
AB: That’s lovely. Difficult and fulfilling at the same time. That’s true. And that’s when parents need to go, like you said, a purpose quest, or find their Ikigai. You know, find their reason, purpose for being, outside just parenthood. But tell me, what do you see are some of the most common mistakes that you see parents making during this transition? You know, when the child is going from being reliant on them to independent. So what do you see as the common mistakes which seem to push children away from their parents?
DH: You see, I work also individually, but also at retreats, and we have sometimes parents come in with their children. And the most interesting dynamic that I’ve seen is that at this stage, parents, when they do not disconnect from that role of a parent, they become almost like a victim, they become like a child, like a flip flop, they become the child. And they almost unconsciously invite their child to be their parent. Especially if their own parents age or die at this stage they feel triggered by that lack of a meaningful role, or an identity crisis. And it’s a dangerous place to be when we start demanding our children to look after us, as parents, to give us energy, to give us resources to parents, and to emotionally help us. So anything to do with kind of bringing that child into my world again.
But maybe now they can, they are grown up so they can help me. That’s a no go because that prevents that child to be themselves and learn how to be an adult and to create their own family, their own system. I often see children who grow up as a parent to their own parent, they struggle with their own relationships in life. They struggle to create families and children even physically and emotionally being available to their own children. So we see this flip flops, generational flip flops I call them, where grandparents are more connected to their grandchildren versus parents connecting to their children. And it’s natural as well in some societies. That’s how they’re formed. But I would say the main mistake is to be in the wrong position in the family.
AB: When you say wrong position, can you explain that?
DH: So as a parent, I need to be in the right position. As a parent, I give my love to children. I receive love from my parents, but I give my love to my children. And if I take love from my children, then they this sort of like a flow of love. It could be energetic, it could be systemic. We look at it from a systemic psychology perspective. The flow of love travels when healthier relationships are formed, when parents give love to the children, they support them and support them without demanding back. Because the best thing that children do is not pay back to their parents, but pay forward to their own children.
AB: Right, right. That’s lovely actually. I want to ask you now something which is, which a lot of parents have talked about. You know, parents with adult children or children about to be adults. How can you help or suggest some tools and techniques which will help when the relationship gets distant or strained between the parents and the children? How do they rebuild trust?
DH: Yes, yes. Well, Virginia Satir, who was a mother of family therapy and a director of her institute in the UK and we do a lot of work based on her model of therapy. So one of the exercises that I often share with families, as a family psychologist, is called temperature reading. Temperature reading is about, sort of regulating the temperature of relationship. If it’s, like, too heated up, like, too much conflict, you can reduce it. If it’s too cold and too distant, you can warm it up. So the first; there are five stages, okay? Of this temperature reading exercise. The first one is called appreciation. So we always, always start with something that is positive, that I appreciate about you. I appreciate it, and I would like you to tell me what you appreciate about me. And I could share this model, in advance and say, you know what? Would that be okay if we do this together?
AB: Right.
DH: In the moment where there’s no tension. Okay. It’s not in the heat of a moment. It’s something that is very strategic. I do it with my children on a weekly basis and with my husband twice a week.
AB: Oh wow.
DH: It helps the relationship. So first is appreciation. The second thing. And sometimes appreciation can take 10 minutes, 15 minutes. Because we are all malnourished for, like, we are not appreciated enough by our own parents, by our own children, and we do not appreciate our own children enough. For example, girls, and boys, they like appreciation in a different way. So boys like to be appreciated for things they’ve done, for the deeds they, and for the things they’ve achieved or done. So this is based on behavior, okay? Whereas girls, they generally, they like to be appreciated for the character of the person. So a girl likes to be appreciated for how smart she’s, or how. How organized she’s, how. How creative she is, not what the little thing she has done.
And that’s a very different predisposition because of the hormones. Again, there are, of course, exceptions, LGBTQ, + community, but on average, when we look at the brain scans, that’s what we see anyway. So first thing, appreciation. The second thing is new information. The new information is something that I share. It’s a vulnerable piece. It’s like, you know, what, something that happened that you don’t know. I, you know, we. We did this. We bought that. We’re, you know, thinking of doing that. So it’s a new piece of information that we haven’t shared yet, that it builds more trust. The third thing I share is a puzzle, something that I don’t know how to resolve, and I’m not giving any solutions or proposals. I say, you know what, what puzzles me, I don’t know how to resolve this issue at work or in my, you know, relationship with, with it. And I just shared as a puzzle and again I invite the other person to share it as a puzzle. And the fourth one, fourth step is when I share a concern, worry, with a recommendation. So I say, you know what, what really bothers me, what bothers me is when you don’t call me.
And what I suggest is that we have this like weekly call and maybe we can establish a time when you do that. And then the person also says they’re concerned with recommendation and we keep it at that. And number five, we share hopes and wishes. I hope we can go on holiday and, and spend some time together. And I, and that is called temperature reading. So appreciations, new information, puzzles, worries with recommendation and hopes and wishes and temperature rate.
AB: And temperature readings. I love that model. I’m going to put that down in the, you know, in the information of every podcast with you so that you know, people get to, that’s going to be so helpful, such a useful tool. Darya. Thank you.
DH: Sure.
AB: So tell me, say your child is grown up 10 years, five or 10 years on, what should a healthy, evolved parent child relationship look like? What should we be aiming for? Well, a healthy loving relationship would look like, first of all it’s congruent. Means that what I think, how I feel and how I behave is aligned. I can honestly share how I feel. I can name my feelings, I can express my thoughts in a way that is emotionally regulated, right? So both adults, we discuss things, not just superficial, not just blaming, not withdrawing, not placating, “Oh, I’m so sorry”, but in a congruent way. And when we’re congruent, when our self-esteem is high, we have that beautiful loving empathy, loving kindness that actually both a child and a parent or two adults experience as an opportunity of connection.
AB: That’s wonderful. That sounds amazing. Okay, any last piece of information before we go to the rapid fire round? Anything you’d like to advise parents or even children?
DH: Well, we are always children grown big. So remembering that we once were a child and looking at the family of origin as the starting point and maybe even back generations where we come from, knowing our history, doing our own work, and just passing less problems to the following generation. Less criticism, less demand, less hurt and pain. This is already good. And as a child, this is my work that I’m gonna do. I cannot change my parents. I can change the way I feel and behave towards them, but also how I build different models, different systems, different family relationships. And there’s always hope. Because this is a relationship of learning. And yes, sometimes it’s very painful. We go through grieving sadness and there’s a lot of help out there. So finding the right facilitator, the right guru, the right guide, the right therapist, the right coach, the right, the right mentor to help, to build this new system so that our planet becomes better because we become better and we build better relationships.
AB: And like you said, it is one of the most difficult relationships, but it can also be one of the most fulfilling relationships in life if we get it right.
DH: That’s right. Yes. And I think, and we know from the Harvard study, the longest study done in the history of research, I think almost 80 years, we see that the most important factor for happiness and success is the quality of relationship we have with our close beloved ones. Close people.
AB: Absolutely. And even in the blue zones, one of the important things is relationships. It’s so important everywhere.
DH: Yes.
AB: So now we’re going to go to a fun rapid fire round where I’m going to give you a question and you tell me, say hold or release, which means should parents hold on or gently release, yeah?
DH: Okay.
AB: So, okay. Giving advice when it’s not asked for.
DH: Release.
AB: Knowing every detail of your adult child’s life.
DH: Release.
AB: You know, I say to them sometimes, by the way, too much information. Being the first person they call in a crisis.
DH: Well, if there’s trust, that would be great.
AB: Yes. So that’s definitely a hold because you want to be there. You know, they, you, you know they feel safe with you if they’re calling you. Being responsible for their emotional happiness.
DH: Oh, we can’t really. So just doing the best we can for ourselves.
AB: Yes.
DH: Release.
AB: Trusting their choices, even when you feel anxious.
DH: Oh, yes, yes. The best thing we can do, the best gift we can give to our child is our own calmness about, and trust in their own choices.
AB: So actually on this one, I want to ask you a question. When you know your child is making a mistake, what do you do? Your adult child.
DH: Oh, adult child, so when they’re 25 and above?
AB: Yes, yes, you can see it. You can see they’re making a mistake.
DH: I bit my.
AB: And a major mistake like a marriage.
DH: Yes, I bit my lip because, the wise people would say the best, learnings are from our own mistakes. But of course we want the best for our children. So very few parents would manage to restrain themselves from giving their opinions. So I wouldn’t raise expectations and say it’s impossible, possible to share it, but the reality is, most of the time they will make their own decisions. And if they don’t, if they follow, I tell you my example. I married my first husband because my parents wanted me. And, and I did the best I could. I was such a good daughter. And, I did the best I could, but the marriage did not survive. And I’m so happy that I’m currently married to my soulmate. And we’ve been together for 17 years. And I made my own decision for the first time in my life against my parents to marry somebody I really loved.
And we’ve got three amazing children and we live a blessed life. And I’m sure there are many examples of that kind that we find our own destiny. Child. 30% Mama, 30% Papa, but 40% themselves. And honoring that their own self is very important.
AB: Thank you. Thank you, Darya, for that heartfelt and eye opening conversation. As you can all see, we have this incredible conversation with Dr Darya Haitoglou. She’s given us this little framework which I’m going to use with my children, and I think it’s fantastic. She reminded us that love is not about holding on tighter, but about opening our hearts wider. And I think in this modern society, letting go does not mean losing connection. It means creating the space where love can breathe, love can grow, and it can transform. If this episode touched you or made you reflect on your own relationships, share it with someone who might need these words today. And don’t forget to subscribe. It’s free and it helps us continue creating a community that learns, supports and grows together. I am Anshu Bahanda and my message to you today is be gentler with yourself, stay open to change, and remember, every season of love has its own kind of beauty. Thank you.
